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[19 May 2009|06:49pm] |
so, garrett helped me come to the realization that you are quite boring and i need someone more fun and exciting.
will i change my ways?
probably not.
why am i so in love with you?
i really dont know anymore.
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| current thoughts |
[09 Jan 2009|11:48am] |
i'm so lost.
everything is jumbled in my mind so here is a compiled list of my thoughts.
-i dont want to get old.
-i dont want to see my parents get like the older people in here at work.
-i'm so upset that my mom is making me sign my life over to york hospital for 13.5 years.
-i miss you from time to time.. just wonder how things would have been.
-i long for you to take the next step.
-nursing is all fine and dandy, but i think i should have done art.
-i dont think i'm smart enough to be an RN.
-i have feelings of wanting to be thin again.
-i need new friends, they arent there for me like they were before.
-i have felt like shit for hurting people from my past for far too long.
-i have many regrets.
-i know i would have hurt myself more in the long run had i not done what i did.
-i'm lost between becoming a woman and staying a girl.
-i long to be obsessed with hello kitty and my little pony again, but i cant get back into it.
-i'm such a different person than i was 3 years ago.
there are many more, but for now.. that is all
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[31 Aug 2008|09:54am] |
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why do i still give a damn about you? especially after you gave me something i will have for the rest of my life. something that could potentially kill me some day. i hate that you forget how serious of a predicament you put us into three months ago. i hate that you dont care about anyone but yourself, you selfish asshole. you have ruined aspects of my life in ways that i will never get back. you are dirty and disgusting.
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[08 Aug 2008|01:48pm] |
i'm at work, so i am going to complete a bunch of quizes since i get pulled away too much to stay focused on writing anything somewhat deep.
You Are Pumpkin Pie
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You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality.
You're able to relate to many types of people with many different tastes.
But you're by no means generic or ordinary.
In fact, you're one of the most original people around.
Those who like you are looking for something (or someone) special.
You tend confuse people when they first meet you. But you're not as complicated as you seem.
Even though you have a lot of spice and flavor to you, you're never overpowering.
You are a calm and comforting force in people's lives.
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You Are 36% Obsessive
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You tend to have a few obsessive thoughts, but you generally have them under control.
Sometimes your worries keep you up at night, though they usually don't interfere with your life.
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[11 Jul 2008|04:53pm] |
ugh. looking at that last post makes me sick. what was i thinking?
anyways..
last night, while driving home by myself, tired as hell, i realized that i have wasted so much time in my life. i lost friends trying to make friends. i feel like i have no one.. well not true, i feel like i have people, but i lost the ones that were truely there. now i'm stuck between trying to grow up and longing for the past. i miss my innocent and gullible personality. i miss my love and my friends. to this day, i have no good memories from high school... to be continued due to work.. ugh work!
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| i love him |
[27 Jun 2007|03:03pm] |
my baby wrote this for me.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
pretty decent poem
sitting here at your computer
in your house
in your room
next to your perfume and moisturizer
waiting patiently for you to put on that new lingere
tired as hell from the days heavy labor
eyes drooling and dry, mouthing
'come here'
apparently i make a few guys jealous
i know you burn a few girls
but that don't matter here
you make my eyes smile and my lips dry
i've made attempts to catch the butterflies in my stomach
by any means necssary.
all attempts have proven futile
you make me happier than i've ever been
and i dig you for it, baby
right here, in this now, and that then
cause this now and this here is the only thing that makes any sense to me.
in your house
in your room
in our bed
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[15 May 2007|02:51pm] |
god.. feels like forever since i have written on this thing. i have so much on my mind im going to be very unorganized and sporadic.
- i miss you
- i love you
- get out of my head
- please.
today
-woke-college business office-tanning-home-grocery shopping-home-?work out?-?read some more wicked?-write back carolyn.
i must write back carolyn. she sounds so lonely. and at lease i have things to keep myself occupied every now and then. what does she have besides work..? nothing.. i think i'll write her and tell her i will be over to visit. we probably need each other a lot right now, more than we both know.
i still have so much cleaning that i dont think i'll ever get done.
i open on friday.
i need to get my car fixed.
i'm cold
i'm afraid to go to sleep
-my dreams haunt me
leave me out with the waste this is not what i do...its a small crime, but i've got no excuse.
i want to be obsessed with something again. maybe it will end up being my weight. probably not. i have lost some, but honestly.. i still dont know if i can 100% go back to the way i was the begining of this year. its too hard. but right now im looking at my leg.. my thigh.. its rippling. so gross. i should go to the gym.. i should.. im fat.. and worse, i should be restricting anyways.. i dont deserve much of anything for all the trouble i cause and all the people i hurt and all the mistakes i make and all the lies ive told and all the substances ive abused and all the... ugh . i'm a mess. i guess i dont deseve to be happy.
its funny how life constantly throws you around.. one second it gives me the most wonderful thing in the world, then snatches it away within one second. one second of weakness, one second of stupidity, substance abuse, and confusion.. i guess that'll learn me huh? before i recognized what i really wanted..(you and only you) i think it was self sabotage.. i think my subconscious understood i didnt deserve to be happy.
i'm so cold...
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[09 May 2007|12:19am] |
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i've never been more depressed in my life. this is up close to my anorexia.
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[07 Apr 2007|01:24pm] |
i love my sophie
garrett is my best friend
im broken hearted once more
i want to be beautiful again
i want to be thin again
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[03 Apr 2007|11:57am] |
sleeping awake and awake when im sleeping
ive got a dry kind of thirst when drenched
on sunny days all i can see is a shadow
im not above being under
im at the brink though i know that im empty
and i always hide when its my turn to seek
my only belief is not to have faith in believing
before i begin i'm over.
quietly loud when im noisily silent
keep holding my breath when im trying to breathe
i only win when im loosing
im disconnected.
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[20 Feb 2007|07:12pm] |
i cooked something by myself.. although it boiled over.. god i suck. at one time i was a good as cook.. then i got sick and i was told cooking was a sign of eating disorders. bahaha..
it is eating disorder week here at school.. but not much is being done about it.. no speakers, no nothing. maybe i will join the effort next year and make it more worthwhile.
i have a major test tomorrow and one on thursday which i am prepared to fail due to my plans with garrett that i will not cancel.
pop pop then comes on thurs. thursday is also the last night to spend time with people.. friday i have to leave. i dont want to go back home and sleep there. ugh im so fucked up. work on fri work on mon work on tues work on wednesday.... greeaat. just fantastic.
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[17 Feb 2007|05:23am] |
im sad
bleck.. i guess karma is a bitch.. im suffering big time
ehhh i need to do some me work anyways
just ate breakfast.. now im off to bed
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[11 Feb 2007|11:36pm] |
wishlist
1. uggs
2. a chi hair straightener
3. cute is what we aim for hoodie
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[02 Feb 2007|10:09pm] |
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i think tonight may have swayed me in the direction against perusing a future relationship with you.
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[28 Jan 2007|04:28am] |
i must be crazy that im actually a small bit allured by an arrogant asshole.
only because i was treated far too amazingly in my previous relationship and i will probably regret choosing against it in the long haul.
whatever, im severely fucked up right now.
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[27 Jan 2007|09:31pm] |
so yeah..
=)
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| unbreak my heart |
[26 Jan 2007|10:01am] |
my lust for love is turning into a hatred for all things male.
edit: i hate my dreams.. they give me hope when i have absolutely no chance.
just got a call though<3 my garrett is back in town!
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[25 Jan 2007|02:07am] |
today went well i guess.
im tired. tomorrow poppop comes to take me out. i need new clothes sooo bad.
i also asked off for next wed (that should be fun) as well as the cute is what we aim for show that i will be attending with garrett on the 21st of February.
ps: bio lab kicked my ass today, but i made an awesome new friend.
blah... why do i feel so unorganized... oh wait it isnt a feeling.. this sucks.
oh yeah and work seems like such a joke considering i HATE valentines day.
i also hate drama
quizie..
| You Are a Cupcake | 
Cute and fun, you never take life too seriously.
People are constantly surprised by how delightful you are. |
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| so like yeah |
[24 Jan 2007|02:16am] |
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i really tired of feeling like a mega bitch when i know im just trying to take care of myself and do whats in my best interest.
edit: i love my new roomies. they are amazing. i also love my jaclyn. i dont enjoy stalkers. i still have a broken heart. i have a busy day tomorrow: -class till 1:45, gym with bernice, work.
i plan to diet really really soon.
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[18 Jan 2007|10:36pm] |
thanks for being immature..
when this happens i just begin to get apathetic.
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